Ain't No Angel Gonna Greet Me

“Please don’t lick this delicious toad,” begged the National Park Service in a new Facebook post urging us with a weird specificity not to do a thing we didn’t even realize we wanted to do until just now. “We know this caked-out little roundboi of the scrubland looks like an amphibious Tide Pod and makes you trip balls,” the federal agency continued, “but we are nevertheless asking you not to lick it. Specifically don’t lick the prominent toxin glands located behind the toad’s eyes. Yes, those, right there? Don’t lick those. We can confirm that it does not harm the toad and they do get you so high you will see the Time Knife, but please don’t do that. Have we ever been tempted? Of course. Who wouldn’t be. It also tastes like chocolate. But we’re saying: don’t do it, even though it objectively rules. Ok thanks! Love, the NPS.”

In Memoriam: Twitter Dot Com, 2006–2022

“Raw insight without the horse shit. It lived for this.”

The AOL-Leroy Jenkins merger is going so well that @oldlinds made a Twitter memorial reel and Ian Servin launched the Tweet Museum, both efforts to preserve a time capsule of the best and worst of the shortform shitposting battledrome’s pre-acquisition glory before it sinks beneath the combined weight of a billion dollars a year in debt service and the infinitely dense neutron core of Elon Musk’s humorless nerd insecurity.

Since we last tabbed together, Musk and his team have still said nothing directly to the thousands of employees desperately praying to be laid off. On Friday, jelly brained Silicon Valley thinks haver David Sacks Thanosed half the staff, reportedly by a raw lines-of-code ranking, so Twitter engineering now consists only of people who’ve committed package-lock.json recently. Chris Stokel-Walker reported that more than a million users have abandoned the platform already, even before its new Boss Baby spent the weekend whining about users, whining about advertisers, banning anyone who made fun of him, whining at Hank Green, openly campaigning for the Republicans in tomorrow’s election, bickering with Jack Dorsey, threatening now-former advertisers, and posting Nazi memes, all apparently his version of an attempt to reassure the source of 98% of Twitter’s income that it’s still a great place to advertise.

Yesterday Kurt Wagner and Edward Ludlow at Bloomberg reported: “Twitter Now Asks Some Fired Workers to Please Come Back.”

“Jesus, that’s a hell of an act, what do you call it?“

“The Aristocrats!”

Relieved to share some of the pressure of being the absolute worst, Mark Zuckerberg will take advantage of the distraction to quietly also fire thousands of employees from his overstaffed Second-Life-for-failed-magicians company.

Today in News That Gave Me a TBI: Louis CK is dating Dasha from Red Scare.

Justin Carter, Gizmodo: “The Three-Body Problem's Chinese Anime Adaptation Hits Next Month.” Times Biz Nabs Dang. Wood-wide web disputed. “Quitting is underrated,” as I’ve been saying for a minute now. Allison Parrish made a hinged Game Boy Pocket:

And in Philly, 31 year old Alexander Tominsky ate his 40th consecutive whole rotisserie chicken, in a surprisingly inspiring demonstration of the human capacity to find surprising inspiration in the objectively dumb.

Stephen Kallao documented the event live, and I dare you not to find this inspiring:

It’s been a rough year for Memorial Today’s Songs, but I’m afraid we have another one today. Low’s Mimi Parker died yesterday.

Today’s Song: Low, “Disappearing”

Tomorrow is election day in America, and all signs point to continued chaos that may will last the rest of our lives. Good luck everyone! Don’t forget, whether it’s Twitter, or a job, or a life choice you regret, or believing in the future of American democracy: you can always quit.