First Millennial Succeeds

I promised myself I wouldn't write about politics very much, because there are already plenty of Facebook-sponsored political newsletters, and political news has consumed almost all other media already. But last night Georgia counted the votes for its two Senate seats and it looks as though Democrats will control the Senate through 2022 (by the grace of Joe Manchin). And even Fox News knows that who controls the Senate is a factor.

The less-surprising race was between the Reverend Raphael Warnock, holder of at least two Masters degrees and one Doctorate and pastor at Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.'s church, and incumbent Kelly Loeffler, a coat rack brought to life by an evil wizard, dressed up in a trucker hat, and gifted a Senate seat. Loeffler's main accomplishments are being married to the chairman of the New York Stock Exchange and buying shares in a bodybag producer when she heard about the coming pandemic. Loeffler, who is so egregiously villainous that the players on the WNBA team she owns have been wearing "Vote Warnock" t-shirts, has so far refused to concede the race. At press time she was sitting down to her customary breakfast of Dalmation puppies and was unavailable for comment.

Slightly closer was the race between 33 year old ultimate frisbee dork Jon Ossoff and incumbent Senator David Perdue, a man who is so crooked his campaign slogan was "Totally Exonerated, No Wrongdoing" and who has to wear at least three white collars every day just to have room for all the crimes. Despite throwing up white power signs and commissioning a campaign ad from Julius Streicher, he lost to a guy who spent 2013 tweeting about App dot net.

And here, finally, is what makes this Tabs material: Jon Ossoff is a poster. When he pulled ahead in the count last night, Twitter celebrated this Millennial success story the only way it knows how: by digging up and roasting his most endearingly dorky old tweets. For example:

It's incredible how things change isn't it? In 2013 Jon Ossoff was tweeting "Sleet is the lowest form of precipitation." and I was writing a humble email newsletter. Now it’s 2021, he's a U.S. Senator-elect, and I'm... well.

Let's see what else is in the news.

Reyhan is wearing clothes that make her feel bad. The mayor of Antwerp is feeling bad for not wearing enough clothes. Begun, the Baybi Wars have. DALL·E makes images from vague text descriptions, like a computer version of Senior Tabs Graphics Intern Alison Headley. ‌Kirkpatrick Sale bet Kevin Kelly $1000 that tech would destroy society by 2020. He should have given it just a couple more years. Gritty's stat sheet. I tried typing society.new but it didn't work.

YES there are technically more Bean Dad Tabs, NO I am not going to write about them.

Regrets:

• Despite thinking the CIA web rebrand is good on purely technical and aesthetic level, I would like to clarify that its purpose is morally indefensible and the CIA itself should be abolished.

• I am not sure why but Gmail offered to translate yesterday's Tabs from Czech. To clarify: they were not written in Czech. We regret the error.

Today’s Song: Run the Jewels, “JU$T [ft. Pharrell Williams and Zack de la Rocha]”

~ Joe Biden must send every American 2000 tabs immediately. ~

Thanks again to Senior Tabs Graphics Intern Alison Headley for the Ossoff tweet collage. Follow @TodayinTabs and/or @fka_tabs. And look, Today in Tabs is so close to 666 subscribers. You know what to do.