Aliens_Exist.wp4

As you’d assume, December’s Covid relief bill started a 6 month countdown for all US intelligence agencies to release any info they have about “unidentified aerial phenomena,” which is to say: UFOs. Aliens. The Smoking Man’s special lads. Today, several months early, you can start plowing through the CIA’s complete UFO files, in the form of a CD-ROM converted to PDFs by The Black Vault. Rumor has it the FBI will be next, releasing its cache of top secret WordPerfect documents on 5-1/4 inch floppy disks.

Also in Space: Gravity waves were originally discovered by Christopher Nolan in his 2014 film INTERSTELLAR, where they mainly concerned themselves with arranging dust. A team at the North American Nanohertz Observatory for Gravitational Waves, an organization that exists, report that they may have found a different kind of gravity wave which, according to Motherboard’s Becky Ferreira, might tell us more about science things that I don’t understand, but probably don’t affect five dimensional childhood closets.

Shanty Discourse: Yes, it is Peak Shanty, which means shanties are about to be problematic. “So 2003,” scoffs Colin Meloy. What the heck is a Wellerman anyway? The inevitable All Star. A little froggy. Now That’s What I Call Sea Shanties (Vol 1).

Samsung wants to give you a Bot Handy. The experimental robot has one long arm and a rounded, “clamp-like hand,” reports The Verge’s Jacob Kastrenakes with an absolutely straight face. It will “grab… with the right amount of force,” and “handle objects of varying sizes, weights, and shapes.” Ok!

Bari Weiss launched a substack with this boring essay about how feeling sorry for herself has larger social implications somehow. You should read it if you like things that suck.

It’s Wednesday! Do you wish YOUR job opportunity, podcast, newsletter or product was right here, as well as in the media newsletters Study Hall and Deez Links, being seen by over 38,000 readers? Of course you do. Get the info and buy a Media Classified™ ad now.

Dutch customs officers seizing ham sandwiches from British lorry drivers is an elite level of Brexit-petty. The legendary Jennifer Daniel on the 2021 emoji. Twitter banned 70,000 Q Anon accounts and all of them showed up to protest. Bitcoin, the world’s most expensive numbers, are heading to the moon again, which means it’s time for another round of hilarious tales of former libertarians who have locked tens of millions of dollars on a thumb drive and forgotten the password. “I could read these stories all day,” writes Matt Levine, and so say we all. Daily Mail: “Cate Blanchett wins permission for meditation room at her 'haunted' £4.9m Sussex mansion despite discovery of bat colony.” This headline is my ASMR. Saudi crown prince Mohammad bin Salman unveiled his deranged plan for “THE LINE,” a 170km long city that is a five minute walk across. “Such transcendent genius!” raves everyone who doesn’t want to get kidnapped and tortured to death. Including me. Seems like a great idea. Please don’t kill me. I’m gonna go join Liz Lopatto in some chill lo-fi drinks to relax / study to.

Today’s Song: The Beastie Boys, “Intergalactic” (coming in hot from the 40-second-intro-and-fisheye-lens era of music videos).

~A moment in the labs, a lifetime in the Tabs~

Thanks to Tabs Research Interns Andrew Gray, Delia Cai, Jessie Guy-Ryan, and probably others I have forgotten. If I forgot to thank YOU, tell me @fka_tabs or @TodayinTabs. Happy Impeachment Day! I’ll take my leave and go.