The Azealia Banks Beef-A-Day Calendar

Scandal in the Goop for Bros industry.

Author

Rusty Foster
March 25th, 2024

Everybody’s busy looking up their Azealia Banks beef zodiac (mine is “Azealia Banks Insults Lily Allen’s Children”) but who will make the 2025 Azealia Banks Beef-A-Day Calendar? This is free money I’m giving away here. Also giving away free money today are five judges of the Manhattan Appellate Division, who knocked Donald Trump’s $454 million dollar bond down to $175 million. Ah! Well. Nevertheless… he’s a good lad, got his whole life ahead of him and always keeps out of trouble except for those other four currently ongoing criminal cases. Why, he could grow up to be President one day!

In fact according to Ben Smith “the overwhelming belief right now among leaders of corporate America is that Donald Trump will be president again,” which sort of explains why NBC just hired the Republican Party’s former chief gaslighting engineer Ronna McDaniel for $300k a year, a decision so repellent and indefensible that even the notoriously supine Chuck Todd was like “well hang on now.” McDaniel’s new gig is not going well so far. On one hand NBC’s staff hate her, but on the other hand, Trump also hates her. It’s a real conundrum for the brain geniuses that hired her, who are, according to Max Tani, NBC News politics SVP Carrie Budoff Brown, Columbia Journalism Review board chair and NBC Editorial President Rebecca Blumenstein, and NBCUniversal News Group Chair Cesar Conde. It takes at least three media execs to make a decision this dumb.

In New York Magazine Kerry Howley reports that while he was telling his podcast listeners how to optimize every facet of their life with pseudoscience, Andrew Huberman was also carrying on at least six long term relationships with different women who all thought he was exclusively seeing them, including one he was actively trying to have children with via in vitro fertilization.

(A spokesperson for Huberman denies that he and Sarah had decided to have children together, clarifying that they “decided to create embryos by IVF.”)

Lmao, ok! The piece is sprinkled with delightful spokesperson statements like this, and the detailed breakdown of exactly how he was juggling all these women? Magnificent reporting. His “Stanford neurobiology lab” apparently doesn’t really exist either, and he makes his money off supplements like the rest of the Alex Jones / Andrew Tate / Joe Rogan “Goop for Bros” industry. It’s probably time to accept that everything associated with Stanford is a scam.

@notkahnjunior

agna boppy dosa cap????? #thesims#greenscreen

Tressie McMillan Cottom on Oprah’s Ozempic era. How did I go this long in life without knowing that Oprah’s birth name is Orpah? Apparently it’s from the Bible. Did everyone else already know this? Skater Ilia Malinin landed six quad jumps to the “Succession” theme song, won a kiss from Daddy. Garbage Ryan recapped the whole Kate Middleton fiasco. Margaret Atwood on the fiftieth anniversary of Stephen King’s Carrie: “…there are no dogs so under that they don’t welcome another dog even lower in the social scheme…” Carrie was started as a short story for a men’s magazine, but today the best short stories are written for TikTok, e.g.: “My dad got banned from Olive Garden.” Wu Tang Collection via EX Research via Bijan. Follow the breadcrumb trail, people. And Deez Links Media presents a pop-up newsletter event: Hate Read.

This Smacks of Gender

Every [northern grass mantis] B. borealis is a female, capable of laying eggs without the participation or even presence of a male.

Plants of [the alpine pasqueflower] species come in two types: bisexual (flowers contain both male and female parts; hermaphrodites) or just male. There are no females.

Sequencer is a brand new journalist-owned science publication by the way. Could be the move.

Today’s Song: Shabaka, “I’ll Do Whatever You Want” ft. Floating Points, Laraaji via Music Intern Sam

Monday! What if there was a cartoon cat who hated Mondays, and loved lasagna? That would be a real hoot. If you design and market the Azealia Banks Beef-A-Day Calendar, please let me know. If not, please do not let me know. Also please upgrade to a paid Tabs subscription if you haven’t already. It’s the only logical thing to do at this point.