Bad News

Good news for a certain type of person

September 26th, 2022

As I hope you inferred from my absence last Thursday and Friday following Wednesday’s whiny and frankly sub-par Tabs, I was sick last week. But I feel much better now. Unfortunately that’s the last good news I have for you today which makes it, paradoxically, also bad news.

Bad News in Literature: It’s bad news that Hilary Mantel died. “Wolf Hall” is one of the best books I’ve ever read, and buddy I’ve read “Catcher in the Rye” and most of the “Harry Potters.” Her death literally book-ends the year we also lost Bruce Duffy, who memorably novelized Arthur Rimbaud and Ludwig Wittgenstein, not to mention his magnum opus “AutoCAD 2002 Assistant.” We are now left with zero remaining great historico-biographical novelists. Is that bold but unsupported assertion actually meant to provoke you into replying to this email and telling me I’m wrong, because I love a great historico-biographical novel and want to find more of them? What a strange thing for you to assume. I bet you couldn’t even do it, anyway.

Bad News in Weather: Hurricane Ian is bad news for space launch fans, as the Artemis rocket is off to hide in its hangar like a big pointy baby, delaying any launch attempt until “late October or mid-November” reports Loren Grush from The Verge from Bloomberg. And Hurricane Fiona was bad news for Eastern Canada, where “between eight to 12 houses and buildings have washed into the sea,” while Canadians’ obsession with Tim Hortons is bad news, first because long drive-through lines were “blocking roadways, which is impeding recovery efforts,” and second because Tims is incredibly mid and we all wish Canadians would realize they deserve better.

Bad News Online: NyQuil Chicken is bad news for the FDA, who singlehandedly made it a thing again. Social media trends in general are bad news for Boomers who learn about them from the New York Daily News, because now they think the Youngs are all teetering on a stack of milk crates sprinkling Benadryl on their NyQuil chicken while eating tide pods and holding their breath until they black out. And this promotional poster is fake, which is bad news for Supergirl who just can’t seem to close the deal.

Bad News in Economics: Which would you rather have, inflation and a functioning economy, or neither? Fed Chair Jerome Powell’s answer is bad news for at least 1.2 million people who currently have jobs and probably don’t even realize that inflation is all their fault.

Bad News in Politics: His crisp new Russian passport is bad news for Edward Snowden, since now he can be drafted to go die in Ukraine.1 Also bad news: the rest of recent events in Russia. Like boot-cut jeans, the dramatic collapse of the nation with the world’s biggest nuclear arsenal is another Gen X trend we didn’t need to bring back. And Italy just elected their first fascist Prime Minister since they hung Mussolini upside down from a gas station. Earlier this month, Hillary Clinton told an Italian reporter that “[t]he election of the first woman prime minister in a country always represents a break with the past, and that is certainly a good thing,” batting a dismal 1 for 3 on the quote.

Is There Any Good News?

Finally, in February, after pursuing Kurt for more than two years, I flew from Europe to Detroit, where border guards had a hard time believing I was entering the U.S. to interview a stone skipper. Then I showed them a video of Kurt’s magical record throw, and before long a group was gathered around a computer screen, counting the skips and hollering “No fucking way!” before letting me through. From the moment I met Kurt in Erie a day later, it was clear that his hibernation had ended. By 10 p.m. on our second evening, when he fashioned a can of Monster energy drink into a makeshift bong, we’d spoken for 12 hours straight.

Bad news for whatever editor failed to title it “Dude’s Rock” though.

And unambiguous good news for animated gif clip art fans, as the thrift store discovery of a CD-ROM with 22,000 animated gifs which have all been uploaded to Google Drive provoked the upload of an even more massive 150,000 web clips 6 CD-ROM set.

In Conclusion:

Today’s Song: “Bad News,” Izzy Spears

~ but the kids were just shooting at the Bussi and the cars ~

Get ready for a full week of Tabs. I’m gonna do it, I swear. Hey, while I was sick Tabs hit 30,000 readers! That number would be smaller without each and every one of you, so thanks. If you’re ready to take this relationship to the next level, please consider smashing this button:

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