Buy the Dip

Can the British hypnotize moles? Are we sure New Zealanders don’t control the sunset?

May 11th, 2022

I’ve spent the day glued to the UST chart like James Cromwell at a Starbucks counter. So how’s it going? Well, as soon as I hit publish yesterday TerraUSD started dropping again, and has spent the last 24 hours not so much ”gyrating” as “shaking ass on its thot shit” (ft. Megan Thee Stablecoin). Do Kwon acknowledged that UST is trading at “a significant deviation from its intended peg” (lol) but claims the algorithmic mechanism is somehow reëstablishing the coin’s value in a way that conveniently isn’t distinguishable from “heading to zero.” Either way, Kwon also claims that “As we begin to rebuild UST, we will adjust its mechanism to be collateralized,” apparently asserting in the same thread that the algorithm will work, and that they will abandon the algorithm? Today in Coindesk, Sam Kessler and Danny Nelson report that this isn’t even Kwon’s first failed stablecoin.

Also Today in Business: Retail crypto investors have lost everything. Meme stonk investors have lost everything. To this day, no one knows what Upstart Holdings does,1 but its investors have lost everything.

Buy the dip?

The fact of the matter is that the south is funny because it’s ridiculous. Like, I can’t remember the exact details of the whole thing, but my neighbor growing up definitely went to jail for being involved in an organized ring of tractor thieves…

Another friend had an unfortunate habit of waking up early to go hunting and then forgetting to take his gun out of his truck before he got to school, which I’m pretty sure is a felony; years later, he became a wildlife officer and briefly went viral after someone posted a video of him wrestling a deer to the ground in order to safely remove it from a thrift store.

Shaking my head dot com dot au: “Mount Gambier magistrate finds it 'extraordinary' that couple had sex during police car pursuit.” Same! Susan Collins bravely resisted calling the police again in the face of more terrifying requests for equal rights made out of dust. “Do the Chinese have a hurricane gun?” wondered Donald Trump. Can the British hypnotize moles? Are we sure New Zealanders don’t control the sunset? Who can say. I can’t wait till that guy is President For Life. At least we’ll have some more UFO hearings first. And ocean garbage scientists from Hawaii, UNC, and the U.K. discovered biblically-accurate fish and a bunch of other alien-looking life thriving in the North Pacific Garbage Patch, aka “Twitter of the sea.”

You Heard?

Social media is currently flooded with pro-Johnny Depp meme content, which is both disgusting and to all appearances coördinated. “I genuinely feel insane,” wrote Kate Lindsay, surveying the incredible disparity in reach between pro-Depp posts and pro-Amber Heard posts. RIP her menchies. In Rolling Stone, E.J. Dickson also covered what Gen Z will one day look back and recognize as their own “bullying Britney Spears” moment.

Sarah Jeong: “I have been told to blog about Senator Josh Hawley’s new copyright bill, and I do this with nothing but the greatest reluctance.” Katie Robertson reports that Hillary Frey is taking over at the emphatically un-troubled Slate. “I wouldn’t be walking into a situation that I didn’t feel had a really, really bright and successful future,” said Frey, responding to questions raised by her “Slate has a really, really bright and successful future” t-shirt. The new “Minions” soundtrack looks like it slaps. I take no pleasure in reporting this.

Today’s Song: L7, with a song about how media treats Gen X: “Pretend We’re Dead”

~ Et tab, Brute? ~

Are a lot of the tabs today actually stuff that I had left over from yesterday? No comment, but I did spend part of the morning buying bolt cutters, so that’s how my day is going. Tune in tomorrow for: whatever happened today. I neglected to include it yesterday so for the record I tweet @fka_tabs and @TodayinTabs. Today in Tabs is driven by a cutting-edge tokenomics algorithm where you subscribe and I keep writing and together we go to the moon. 🚀 🌚

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