Modify the Position of the Delinquent Ship

Is the Ship Still Stuck (dot com)? The answer in the NFT of that website is “Yes,” but the actual answer at press time is “Sort of,” confirming that NFTs are not very useful for breaking news. The stern is floating, and salvage engineers are trying to get the Ever Given’s bow unstuck by performing the highly technical nautical maneuver of “wiggling it.” Here’s some video of the ship sort of floating in a Tweet which Google translates as: “Modify the position of the delinquent ship in #SuezCanal after it responded to the last float maneuver.”

Are we ready for the ship to be free? As Sarah Gailey wrote, it was technically bad that the ship was stuck but it also ruled that the ship was stuck because we all agreed on both the nature of the problem and the desirability of solving it, unlike other problems such as the global pandemic and racism. Of course it was “a very big problem” according to Richard Meade, the editor of Lloyd’s List, which is British Craigslist. The so-called experts claim it was the high tide that floated the ship, but can we so readily discount the energy the online community brought to bear in this Change.org petition: “Please Move The Ship?” It certainly worked faster than most petitions. Garrett Dash Nelson made a handy Glitch app you can use to get the ship stuck anywhere you want. And most of us spent the weekend looking at memes, same as ever.

Over the weekend the Suez Canal Authority brought in some daddy longlegs digging machines and released another sizzle reel of engineers pointing at the big stuck boat and going “there it is, there’s the stuck boat. It’s stuck right there.” Apparently the Egyptian newspapers were just reporting that the canal was fine? When you’re a dictator, you can just declare all your online petitions true. FT has a pretty good theory on why the boat got stuck in the first place, a phenomenon called “the bank effect,” but with hundreds of ships and cargos delayed nearly a week, “the insurance claim effect” will make it impossible to find out for sure. We may also never learn whether the boat is racist.

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“Earth safe from asteroid for 100 years.” Sorry, everyone. However, scientists think they may have identified traces of the former planet Theia lurking in Earth’s mantle. “Melancholia” was a documentary. Jack Dorsey is proud of his silly bitcoin clock and his silly facial hair. Mayor Pete brings a dose of Millennial cringe to the Department of Transportation with Lo-fi Transportation Beats to Relax/Study To. Next week: a TikTok about how Gen Z wants to part its freeways in the middle. Sesame Street finally introduced some Black Muppets that aren’t actually purple. Still, Slim Shady ripped off Roosevelt Franklin, never forget. Montana Senator Steve Daines misses the good old days of low-purity American meth, cooked by hand right here in America. Also cooked: the Iceland volcano drone. Hannah Goldfield wrote about a sofa-related reply-all-pocalypse that turned into a community.

In a desperate bid for relevance, On The Media has Taylor Lorenz on YouTube, Taylor Lorenz on Substack, and Taylor Lorenz on Taylor Lorenz. “The Columnist Who Covers Doug Ford for the Toronto Sun Lives with Doug Ford’s Press Secretary.” Must be convenient for press conferences! The New Yorker explained what actually caused lawyer cat, and also that the kitten’s name was “Eldest Mouse.” The New Yorker Union is on the verge of striking by the way. “Incoming TNR Editor Lays Out Boring Vision For Magazine In “Depressing” Meeting With Staff.“ Ben Smith performed a wellness check on John R. MacArthur’s Manhattan based literary hobby ‘zine Harper’s, after being notified by relatives that the publication hadn’t been heard from for some time.

The Substakes: Pro: Hunter Harris. Back in: Jacqui Shine. Still haven’t hired a comms department: Substack.

Today’s Song: Lucky Charms remix - 'Magically Delicious'

~ tab hard it’s a long ways to the bank ~

Today in Tabs is very early today because I have some things to do in IRL. A lot of good it did me writing a bunch of stuff about the stuck boat last night though. Lucky Charms cereal is canonically (although not literally) Leprechaun poop.