It's Been

Today in Last Week

It’s been one week since I tabbed at you, and Intern Pernell and I collaborated on a Last Week in Tabs Bingo card to catch you up. Yes, it’s more tic-tac-toe than bingo but who has the emotional energy for twenty five squares? Not us, that’s who. So here are the exactly eight (8) things that happened last week(ish):

1. Insider’s newsletter beef correspondent Steven Perlberg wrote about the New York Times’s efforts to keep Substack from poaching its best writers, such as Taylor Lorenz, or other writers like Liz Bruenig. Despite extremely blunt hints on social media, the Times has not yet reached out to Today in Tabs to start a bidding war with my future employer, @business.

2. Creepy manboy Jonathan VanBoskerck urged the Walt Disney Corporation to conform to his “Christian and… conservative Republican” politics in the Orlando Sentinel. “I love Disney World, but wokeness is ruining the experience,” is the title, and you can extrapolate the rest of this terrible editorial directly from it.

3. Australia’s Betoota Advocate had the most accurate headline about the guilty verdict in George Floyd’s murder case: “Murderer Who Got Caught Committing Murder On Video Found Guilty Of Murder.”

4. “Mystery animal sighting in Krakow ends up being a croissant.” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯🥐

5. A Tesla Model S with no one driving it crashed in Texas, killing the two passengers aboard. Bloomberg reports that “it took more than 30,000 gallons (113,562 liters) of water to extinguish the fire, which burned for four hours,” when the “fun, futuristic” self crashing electric vehicle plowed into an oak tree.

6. The public company that runs one small sandwich shop in New Jersey is apparently worth almost $2 billion, calculates Matt Levine. HWIN is up 0.38% at press time, because markets are perfectly efficient.

7. A New Hampshire couple announced their fetus has male genitals by detonating 80 pounds of tannerite explosive in a quarry. This is enough explosive to level a house. The entire trans community was like: 👀.

8. “Hundreds of Joshes battle with pool noodles” is, incredibly, not a story about the media industry.

The Today in Tabs Intern is brought to you by YES PLZ Coffee. Buying drugs on the internet has never been easier! Yes Plz deals in the finest coffee beans from around the world, roasted fresh, delivered discreetly to your mailbox. Pause or cancel anytime.

Everyone hates Mark Zuckerberg: According to Mike Isaac and Jack Nicas he’s fighting with Tim Apple, ostensibly over the new ad tracking controls released in iOS 14.5 today, but the subtext is more “Tim Cook thinks you’re middlebrow.” And Ben Smith wrote yesterday about the feud between Zuckerberg and fellow billionaire media vampire Rupert Murdoch over Facebook’s habit of applying personal privacy policies to news stories about public figures, in a column that is mostly notable for the incredible art by Koren Shadmi:

Allison P. Davis wrote the complete history of Kimye for Vulture. Stitcher parent company SiriusXM bought 100% of 99% Invisible, leaving only 1% both visible and acquired. Kyle Chayka checks in with another installment of the NY Review of Vibes. Oscar winner Travon Free’s 2013 EGOT tweet pays off eight long years later, which is why the man is a comedic genius. This Times obit of 90 year old Australian mariner Peter Warner cannot be adequately summarized. Also Today in Australia: that’s a big ass. The NYT is replacing the “Op-Ed” with the “Guest Essay,” or Guessay. Please instead consider replacing the whole editorial section with not having an editorial section. “One out of every four users who visits a Stack Overflow question copies something within five minutes of hitting the page.”

Today’s Song: Neutral Milk Hotel, “Everything Is”

~ It's just you and me and oh dear, our tabs have just begun ~

Today in Tabs is registered at the post office as “Happy To Be Back.” If you’re happy too, clap your hands. Then follow me @fka_tabs, or Intern Pernell @pernellquilon or the whole dang brand @TodayinTabs. Oh I almost forgot the Yahoo!