@Jack's Off

Citing a desire to spend more time with his family, the blockchain, Twitter head beardo Jack Dorsey will step down today as CEO, report Kate Conger and Lauren Hirsch, but in an emotional farewell email to staff he promised he would never stop tweeting the most inane bullshit imaginable.

Speaking of the most inane bullshit imaginable, “inspired by the success of @ConstitutionDAO,”1 “institutional crypto” guy David McDougall dreamed of completing the work that federal prosecutors harassed Aaron Swartz to death for: collecting a lot of cryptocurrency from suckers and giving some of it to big scientific journal publishers. “Today we launch @swartzdao,” he announced on Friday. So far the project has a Discord, but does not have a DAO of any kind, or permission to use Swartz’s name.

In other crypto scam news, Insider’s Isabelle Lee reports that a picture of a fake boat sold for 149 ETH, which is almost $650,000, in one of the Metaverse’s biggest and fakest wash sales to date. The second-highest sale price in the collection was 5.1 ETH until just a few minutes ago, so it’s working. A few ETH in gas fees are a small price to pay for the kind of media attention this eye-popping pretend number will generate for the new metaverse game, which is called Second Life.

Word up! Freed from normal constraints of propriety by the Wirecutter strike, the New York Tabs cut loose this holiday weekend. Shane O’Neill investigated Yassification. Carol Rosenberg and photographer Erin Schaff turned in a real “Hitler’s vacation home” of a photo feature on the beach scene at Gitmo. Irina Aleksander profiled “the spiritual adviser Carissa Schumacher,” who charges a spiritually satisfying rate of $1,111 an hour to channel the ghost of “Yeshua,” better known as Jesus H. Christ, who the reader will also call forth several times in the course of the article, and who naturally speaks with a “slight British accent” for Hollywood clients such as Rain Phoenix, Rooney Mara, David Fincher, Rob Lowe, Brad Pitt and (separately) Jennifer Aniston, all of whom are unfamiliar with the concept of acting. Ali Watkins copagandized in an article whose original headline claimed that murders in New York City “doubled overnight” during the pandemic, and whose text still claims that “in the years before the pandemic, the New York Police Department was solving nearly 90 percent of the murder cases in the city.” And finally, the Times Book Review released an utterly deranged list of 25 books, alleging that the best book of the last 125 years may be found somewhere within it. Good luck!

Dawkins simps for Young Sheldon. Canada taps strategic maple syrup reserve. Dave Chapelle gets roasted by high school kids. “The LARS ULRICH Toilet Is Real,” by the metalhead genius that previously made his uncle’s skeleton into a guitar. Ed, shearin’. For “House of Gucci,” Jared Leto got totally tWiStEd on arrabiata and “came out through the bowels and intestines into the oesophagus of the one and only Paolo Gucci.” John McWhorter’s book sucks, but “will be a pleasing bedtime story to a certain kind of White person who is always looking for a magic Black person to tell them what they want to hear” writes Elie Mystal. I want this incredible 1940s toaster and soon you will too. If you must read news about the COVID Omicron variant, do yourself a favor and get it from the BBC News Pidgin Service so at least it feels like a dancehall DJ is telling you about new national border closures. Robot cow available. Science identifies biggest jerk bird.

And finally, in today’s coziest news, about 60 guests of the Tan Hill Inn in the Yorkshire Dales spent a third night snowed in by Storm Arwen last night, having spent the weekend enjoying a “slap-up buffet” and the musical stylings of Oasis tribute band Noasis (now known as “Snowasis”). Alyssa Lukpat reports that as of this morning the majority of guests have departed, but they’ve “talked about having a reunion next year.” I think I speak for literally everyone when I say: please snow me into a British pub for three days, I need this. We all need this.

Today’s Song: Oasis, “Thank You For the Good Times”

~ And all the tabs that lead us there are blinding ~

If you subscribe, you’re my oasis in this parched media desert, and the Tabs Subscriber Discord you’ll be invited to is a champagne supernova. I tweet @fka_tabs and @TodayinTabs. The email list got an unusual number of new signups this weekend and I can’t figure out where you all came from, so hey: if you joined us since Friday, hit reply and tell me where you heard about Tabs? I’m very curious! Thanks a bunch and I’m so sorry this was the subject line of your very first email from me.