"Let's Get This Bread." —Gwyneth

Either the world’s most naïve or most cynical social media manager posted this yesterday:

As you would expect, the dunk zone on that tweet is 20,000 people saying “for me it was probably all the deaths.” The NY Post got absolutely bodied by a Muppets fan account, the Washington Post is on a 36 week Peloton streak, a man out on bail for murder lost his Bengal tiger in a Houston neighborhood, fled from the cops with it in a white Jeep Cherokee (a classic homage!), and was later caught, but “the tiger is still unaccounted for” according to ABC News. And a stygian fanged horror of the deepest abyss washed up on a Southern California beach. Basically, it was a pretty normal day online.

Today in Buz(z): “Sally Buzbee of the Associated Press named executive editor of The Washington Post, the first woman to lead the newsroom,” reports Paul Farhi. And the Lerers’ financial engineering endgame continues, with BuzzPost now “to acquire Complex as part of SPAC deal,” according to Jessica Toonkel at The Information. Welcome to the HuffingtonFeedPlex, soon to be another proud member of the Alden Global Capital family of smoking media husks.

Speaking of which, Joshua Benton covered the situation at The Appeal for Nieman Lab: “In the last year, 38 people have left. The Appeal typically has a staff of around 50. The majority of those who left were people of color, and more than two-thirds were women.” As Benton writes: “That is… a lot of turnover.”

There’s also been a lot of turnover in Ben Affleck’s love life, but sometimes, if you keep turning over a new leaf, you just might find that the newest leaf of all is… an old leaf. Intern Tess Lynch will attempt to make some sense out of that gibberish.

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I think it’s very funny that everyone agrees Jennifer Lopez’s possibly-romantic Montana reunion with IRL Bojack Horseman Ben Affleck can only mean that time travel is real. 

Cait Raft’s award-winning Powerpoint presentation proved that “A Star is Born” is set in an alternate reality where 9/11 never happened, so the idea that Jennjamin un-breaking-up can bend the space-time continuum of actual reality is plainly true. The only downside I can see is that we might lose Who? Weekly, but maybe we can stuff that podcast in our purses to take along when we enter Bill & Ted’s phone booth.

To paraphrase Allison P. Davis’s excellent Vulture post-mortem of Kimye, images of celebrity coupledom are the green light at the end of an era’s pier, the poster hung on the walls of our memory palace that reminds us exactly where we were at any given point in our own lives. Having the world watch your romance end must be excruciating, but emotions are our most effective memory triggers, and in the flattest, mushiest timeline in history how else are we supposed to mark the transit from point A to point B? Maybe the only effective coping mechanism is to furiously knit together cheap gossip with a belief we can bear ourselves ceaselessly into the past. Maybe it’s actually fine! We’re just plumbing the mysteries of time and semiotics over here. You know, for research.

I had to look it up, so if you also weren’t sure: Bennifer were only together the first time from 2002 to 2004. How can that be? The timeline is obviously already messed up. I have sent Intern Tess back to 2002 to investigate, and her family misses her very much, but Tabs Internship is a sacred trust. You do what you have to do.

Why do I care about the NY mayor’s race? I don’t know! So let’s check in on that:

• Andrew Yang is really just the worst, but he did earn himself some plum endorsements from the likes of Stephen Miller, Ted Cruz, Meghan McCain, and Don Jr. (a literal cuck, according to a new book about the Secret Service).

• Regrettably, the New York Times gave its kiss of death endorsement to Kathryn Garcia and, in the city’s first ranked-choice election, did not suggest any other options such as Amy Klobuchar.

• Ray McGuire and Shaun Donovan both guessed the median price of a house in Brooklyn is about $100,000. Shaun Donovan is a former HUD secretary, but the H stands for “hapless.”

• And Diana Budds looked at the mayoral merch race for Curbed. Yes, there are bikini bottoms.

Today’s Song: Is all of “Ska Dream,” Jeff Rosenstock’s ska version of his own previous album, “No Dream,” via Indiecast.

~ a tab for you, Rudy ~

Every day there are at least four subjects I collected tabs about but didn’t have room for, and then I get here and question my judgement. But no: that weird ass fish is definitely more important than the Colonial pipeline hack.