Fully Automated Luxury Chaos

I promised you that 2021 would bring maximum chaos energy at all times, and after one month we are still on track. It’s the second day of February and Goldman Sachs is publicly calculating how many Redditors it would take to corner the silver market. Nick Clegg, former UK deputy prime weenie lately promoted to Facebook spokes weenie, is denying “that somehow Silicon Valley geeks are controlling the minds of Europeans.” Coke invented soda cans you can neg. Researchers at MIT made spinach that can email. The spinach immediately denounced “cancel culture” and joined Substack. In Chicago, Vaxclub offers an app and “exclusive access to the vaccine as well as numerous other benefits” for $99. Sounds extremely legal! Why shouldn’t Mnuchin spouse and cartoon villain Louise Linton buy herself a feature film, even if it is just a lazy gender-swapped American Psycho ripoff? It’s Groundhog Day, so let’s put on a stupid hat and ask a rodent whether time will continue. It doesn’t know any less than I do.

But the pinnacle image so far of 2021’s unique brand of fully automated luxury chaos has to be Myanmar gym teacher Khing Hnin Wai doing an upbeat aerobic dance routine while a coup unfolds behind her.

Do watch the actual video, the music sends it beyond merely confounding and into the realm of some kind of Extreme Art.

Also today in chaos art: you can buy the Stonks Man. “Line go up,” you will whisper to him in the long dark February night. “Diamond hands.” Perhaps a tear drips down your cheek. No one is there to know. “You and me, Stonks Man. To the moon.”

It’s no longer business time at Business Insider, which Axios’s Sarah Fischer reports is dropping the Business “amid massive global expansion.” Global Editor in Chief Nicholas Carlson recently announced the publication is looking for feature writers, and provided some examples of the sort of thing they have in mind:

I can’t tell you how much I look forward to Insider’s first Ellie award for “I Was Quite Surprised By Some Things in African American History.” 

Elder Goths, redux. Pegglecoin, sure why not. The garbage sports man lost $700,000, lmao. On Dungeons & Dragons’s antisemitism problem. Blair Braverman gets cozy. Amos Barshad on professional darts: “The PDC claims that at darts’ World Championship, fans average almost five 20-ounce pints per person per day. The tournament lasts a little more than two weeks.” Nice. Casey Newton on Clubhouse and the difference between “radio” and “conversation.” Ronan Farrow ids “Bullhorn Lady,” and we are invited to imagine her using her bullhorn to bellow that Capitol insurrectionists “should probably coördinate together if you’re going to take this building,” in what may be the New Yorker’s most misbegotten diaëresis ever. Trump’s pollster reports that he lost the election because he sucks and he did a real shitty job. SF gumshoe Jack Palladino solves his own murder. RIP to a legend. Craig Jenkins wrote about Sophie. RIP to another legend. 6 more weeks of winter. RIP to us all.

Today’s Song: Dolly Parton, “Jolene” at 33rpm. “*Yehaws In sad gay cowboy* 😂😂”

~ Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every tab in your body exploding at the speed of light. ~

Total protonic reversal. Got a newsletter, a podcast, an ad tech platform, or a massive global expansion to promote? Buy a Media Classified and promote it here. Got a vacant space in your Twitter following list? You could follow me I guess? You could also follow Heather Havrilesky, and subscribe to Ask Molly. That will probably work out better for you tbh.