Magnificent Adult Babies

I know Kyle said we should all have main-character energy now but not like this:

It’s a whole thread, which includes Slack screenshots, so this was not a spontaneous bad decision but fully workshopped with the friend group. Moises Mendez II (2 Moises, 2 Mendez) collected the good burns for Daily Dot but, as the famous paradox asks, who can own the man who owns all and only himself? I am willing to believe that financial control can be abusive, but my magnificent adult babies, you have to be more careful about the platform you choose to work out your issues. As Roxane Gay knows, Twitter isn’t for earnest and embarrassing self-revelation, it’s for posting about your many imaginary nemeses until you get famous enough to write a New York Times guessay about how mean everyone is on Twitter and how glad you are that you don’t need them anymore.

To explore your own flaws properly, what you really need is a podcast hosted by someone who hates you, like former Man Repeller girlboss Leandra Medine Cohen found on her third attempt to appear in Recho Omondi’s The Cutting Room Floor. The episode, after a quick post-release antisemitism cleanup, is a new classic of rich white girl cluelessness. Cohen’s capsule collection with German brand Closed drops in October, and so far in this entire Tabs, no lessons have been learned.

The Cursed 2020-ish Olympics start on Friday in Tokyo, which considered the $16.4 billion cost of canceling the semi-quadrennial celebration of nationalism via sport and decided let’s just do it and be legends, man. Covid-related disruptions so far: the South African Soccer team, some U.S. gymnasts, U.S. tennis player Coco Gauff, the U.S. basketball team, and several other athletes and officials. Toyota has decided not to be the official motor vehicle sponsor of a superspreader event, and edgy interviews from the 90s with the event’s composer Keigo Oyamada have resurfaced, where he bragged about “[forcing] a mentally disabled boy to eat his own feces and masturbate in front of other students.” Oyamada’s first band was the late-80’s/early-90’s Britpop-inflected “Flipper’s Guitar” and after a careful Tabs investigation I regret to inform you that it does, in fact, slap. And ostensibly in an attempt to prevent Covid-spreading sex, as though sex is either required to spread Covid or preventable in the horniest place on earth, athletes in the Olympic village have been given what the NY Post called “‘anti-sex’ cardboard beds,” a fanciful idea that bouncy Irish lad Rhys Mcclenaghan immediate declared “fiaeke niuwes.”

Dispatches From The Commonwealth, Innit: Australian Prime Minister Scotty from Marketing’s “I didn’t shit my pants at McDonald’s in 1997” t-shirt has people asking a lot of relatively easy questions already answered by his t-shirt, rather than more difficult questions about his government’s disastrous Covid-19 vaccination failure. Meanwhile back in Ma Knifey, PM Boris Johnson and Chancellor Rishi Sunak are entering quarantine (again) rather than following their original, controversial plan to just have Covid and not quarantine, as the U.K. kicks off a celebration of “surging infections, warnings of supermarket shortages” and “pingdemic chaos,” called, with that famous dry English wit, “Freedom Day.”

Misbegotten indie game “Heal Hitler” invites you to try to prevent the holocaust with psychotherapy. Reddit did not appreciate the developer’s promotional efforts. Today in Oregon: Big dead fish found, and is Nicholas Kristof running for Governor? The New York Times doesn’t have much substantially new about the big Suez boat crash, but I hadn’t seen this AIS reconstruction of the grounding. Highbrow rock ‘n roll Dad David Remnick is still on the Bruce Springsteen (back) beat. If I were Hunter Biden, I would simply not sell my art for transparently corrupt prices, suggests Ben Davis. Brock Colyar’s “NYU Girls Group-Dating NYC Finance Bros” party report is dreadful and irresistible. New MAGA grift dropped. Helen Rosner followed up on the Anthony Bourdain deepfake controversy while simultaneously chatting with Tabs on Friday and tweeting long threads to no one. A true triple threat.

And finally, with the main-character energy we should all aspire to, “Three women discovered they were dating the same man. They dumped him and went on a months-long road trip together.”

Today’s Song: Lit, “My Own Worst Enemy”

~last august my mom gave me 100,000 tabs for my birthday~

There have been a lot of signups lately so if you’re new here, Today’s Tabs are a pretty representative sample of what this is all about. Welcome and/or I’m sorry. I tweet @fka_tabs until I get Roxane Gay Famous, and then I’m off to the fancy private writer Twitter where Thomas Chatterton Williams is already verified, along with a bunch of his friends (they’re all just out of frame, laughing too).