Mergers and Apparitions

Aren’t we all, in a way, self editor in chief?

May 17th, 2022

Today Dot Biz: Inspired by Elon Musk’s wobbling attempt to buy Twitter for what’s starting to look like way too much money, Jetblue launched a hostile takeover bid for Spirit Airlines, the only airline owned and operated by ghosts. “JetBlue offers more value—a significant premium in cash—more certainty, and more benefits for all shriekholders,” said JetBlue CEO Robin Hayes. If regulators approve, the merged airline will be named JetBoo.

I think it is important to be clear here that Musk is lying. The spam bots are not why he is backing away from the deal, as you can tell from the fact that the spam bots are why he did the deal…

Well, nobody listens to me, and here we are. Twitter accepted Musk’s offer, and three weeks later, he said “ha no I was kidding, psych!” And it is catastrophic.

I listen to you, Matt! Lots of us do. Please, for the love of god, take a day off. Elon Musk will still be bullshitting when you get back. ❤️

And Musk expert Liz Lopatto has some home truths for the Immortal Dragon Lord Jeff Bezos, who is attempting to become a Poster but failing miserably because he cannot simulate real human language.

The reason Bezos’ tweets seem so mealy-mouthed, even bizarre, is that he’s trying desperately to be taken seriously on a platform that doesn’t reward being taken seriously. Twitter is for trolling your way to a presidency or to being the CEO of Twitter. It’s for pretending you think dinosaurs are an endangered species, watching some llamas get loose, or otherwise dealing with the most instinctive and primal discourse on the internet.

Liz also points out that CEO, entrepreneur Jeffrey Preston Bezos is utterly outclassed on Twitter by the likes of 83 year old poet Joyce Carol Oates, and we love to see it.

A “Risqué Detour” is what happened to Justin Bieber fan-mag turned hookup-site review The Believer, according to the still undefeated NYT headline editors. The Sex Toy Collective bought the literary magazine from UNLV for $225,000 in the mistaken belief it came with Joshua Wolf Shenk’s nudes, and on discovering their error they quickly agreed to sell it back to original owner McSweeney’s for “a dollar or just whatever change you’ve got on you right now,” like a used car you’re desperate to get rid of before it starts gushing oil all over the driveway. McSweeney’s, having already emptied its ashtray and scrounged between the couch cushions, immediately launched a Kickstarter to fund the magazine’s return.

I’m happy for Rachel Wilkerson Miller but aren’t we all, in a way, self editor in chief? Tom Scocca argued that Twitter should let Trump come back, and I absolutely hate that I think he’s probably right. Who’s making money on the Depp/Heard trial? YouTube lawyers are, reports Jessica Lucas for Input, and random 15-year-olds are, reports Anna Merlan for Vice, and either way it’s disgusting.

And now: an unprecedented Today in Crabs / Kiwi Korner crossover:

In Stuff, Alan Granville reports that Greek City Times reports that an American tourist on the island of Mykonos wondered “How much could two cocktails and some crab legs cost, Michael? A thousand dollars?” The answer was yes, over €600, or one thousand leaves of Longbottom’s best New Zealand pipe-weed. What, you ask, does the imaginary hobbit utopia even have to do with this story? Indeed. Meanwhile in Australia (or “Old Zealand”) “researchers show solar power can be generated at night.” Lorde could not immediately be reached for comment.  

Also, If you’re one of the few people on earth with access to fresh blue crabs, Defector’s Albert Burneko tells you how to buy, cook, and eat them. Get me a bushel of fat ones while you’re there, huh?

James Greig in Dazed: “IT HAPPENED TO ME: I had a passionate love affair with a robot.” Not to be all ‘this is just like Black Mirror’ but this is just like Black Mirror. Tesla pioneers revolutionary “got a car? leave a car, need a car? take a car” program. In the dead of night Sunday the scenic Knifecrime Island village of Grantham erected a Westminster-rejected statue of hometown villain Margaret Thatcher, which was immediately egged. CNN+ shut down so fast that some of its employees received welcome baskets a week after they were fired, reported Lillian Rizzo in the WSJ. “This is an incredible time to be part of CNN,” said one, neglecting to add: “too bad you won’t be.” “The UNIX-HATERS HANDBOOK is now available in the Kindle Store” reports co-author Simson Garfinkel. Jordan Peterson insults swimsuit model, flounces off Twitter. 10/10 self-own, no notes.

#EverlongReads: If you’re curious about any currently-known aspect of the late Foo Fighters drummer Taylor Hawkins’ life or death, this book-length Rolling Stone profile by Andy Greene and Kory Grow definitely mentions it.

Today’s Song: Beabadoobee, “Talk”

~ tabs, wandering here and there, troop home to churchyards: damned spirits all ~

Today was a rare Double Merlan, congratulations Anna. I forgot to beg you all to subscribe yesterday so on behalf of yesterday and today: please subscribe? I’m doing Casey Johnston’s “Liftoff” and you would not believe my protein bills right now. These gains aren’t free, folks. I tweet about the co-working space shared dog @fka_tabs.

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