Merry Griftsmas

Open this one, it's very short.

May 19th, 2022

Also war criminal George W. Bush popped up briefly to condemn “the decision of one man to launch a wholly unjustified and brutal invasion of Iraq” and as Osita Nwanevu put it, Havana every leftist over the age of 25.

I don’t know if the author of “How to Murder Your Husband” murdered her husband, but I do know that if you ever write “How to Murder Your Husband” you should probably watch your husband like a hawk for the rest of his long, natural life if you don’t want people to suspect that you murdered your husband when your husband suddenly turns up murdered and you have a lot of insurance on him.

What’s Going On?

What’s going on with Duolingo? What’s going on with all the bad special effects on TV? What’s going on with Parag Agrawal? What’s going on with Kevin McCarthy? What on earth is going on with Cara Delevingne?

What’s going on with Dr. Taylor Alison Swift is that she went to NYU yesterday to collect her PhD. in folklore and share some wisdom with the graduating class. Pop quiz, hotshot: two of these are (somehow) real quotes from her speech, and one is made up. Click the fake.

  1. “Learn to live alongside cringe. No matter how hard you try to avoid being cringe, you will look back on your life and cringe retrospectively… Cringe is unavoidable over a lifetime.”

  2. “Pay attention to your dreams. Dreams are just other realities speaking to this one. I dreamed I was a dog once, and I had an owner who loved me so much, and that’s such a feeling of genuine peace and safety. I know that somewhere I’m still living in that unconditional love.”

  3. "Getting canceled on the internet and nearly losing my career gave me an excellent knowledge of all the types of wine."

Ok now click the real ones too, smarty pants. If you want more Taylor Swift quiz content here’s The Cut’s Danielle Cohen: “Who Said It: Taylor Swift or a Fortune Cookie?”

Weirdly, that’s about all I’ve got today? It’s a slow day in the Tabs, which I suppose is a blessing. One more and then we can all log off: Defector’s Los Angeles sports correspondent Adam Conover wrote a spirited critique of this year’s LA marathon c[o]urse:

The curse of the out-and-back, though, is that, until you reach the turnaround, you’re not getting closer to the finish line: You’re actually running away from it. Your mental game becomes an endless Zeno’s Fucking Paradox: Every mile marker reminds you that you are only halfway to the halfway point; the next, that you are now halfway to three-quarters of the way to being halfway done. Instead of enjoying your progress, you spend the race mentally subdividing infinity. It’s torture.

I’m pretty sure this piece started in a conversation on the Tabs Discord, so subscribe to get the tabs even before they’re tabs.

That’s it, I’m gonna hit send before anything actually happens today, let’s all go take a nap. We deserve it.

Today’s Song: Kendrick Lamar, “N95”

~ you entertaining old tabs when they toxic ~

Full Disclosure: Adam Conover has a new show called The G Word that premieres today on Netflix. No one paid me to mention that, I just thought you should know about it. That Bush clip gave me brain damage, I swear. Haven’t had a coherent thought since I saw it. @fka_tabs 

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