A Lotta Y'all Still Don't Get It

so much depends upon / a single astro ape / glazed with slurp juice / beside the lab monke

May 5th, 2022

I took yesterday off because… it was raining? It was Wednesday? *Gestures vaguely at the moon*? So you may have missed the news that ape holders can use multiple slurp juices on a single ape. As Kapie explained:

Let’s say you own only one Astro Ape, but you have, say, three slurp juices. Yes, you can use each slurp juice on that same ape! That means you now have three new apes.

Y’all still don’t get it? Master Shake put it even more plainly: tonight’s slurp juice mint event is essentially a minting event for both Lab Monkes and Special Forces.

Eloi, Eloi, apes sabachthani? In Motherboard, Maxwell Strachan confirmed that “it would be correct to say that ‘the Vatican is entering the metaverse and the world of NFTs.’”

But Motherboard didn’t want a demo of Sensorium smart AI-driven virtual beings (unrelated to the Vatican project). We wanted to talk about the Vatican’s entrance into the metaverse, thanks to former Brooklyn Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov…

As a giant beetle awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into Starbucks founder and prospective Clinton administration Labor Secretary Howard Schultz, who knows exactly what his rapidly unionizing workers really want: “a series of branded NFT collections, the ownership of which initiates community membership, and allows for access to exclusive experiences and perks.” Who needs paid sick leave when you could be initiating community membership with “the treasure trove of assets that Starbucks has, from collectibles, to the entire heritage of the company?” “Some time before the end of this calendar year, we are going to be in the NFT business,” Schultz communicated to his baffled minions via otherworldly clicks and hisses, before rolling offstage atop a huge ball of dung.

If I say Justine Calma has a story in The Verge that involves ExxonMobil, Bitcoin, and excess methane, you might assume it adds up to bad news, but you might be wrong! I mean, you’re not wrong. But in theory you might be. We should all try to stay humble. And the be-Apèd CEO of Cameo fired “87 beloved members of the Cameo Fameo,” ’right-sizing’ a quarter of the staff into funemployment and stealth insurance.

Are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you? Parker Molloy collected a lot of responses to the thing in The Present Age. Kelly Conaboy collected the worst tweets about it in Gawker. People do be searching. Dear Bret Stephens, please fuck all the way off, absolutely no one needs to hear from you right now. Vox’s Ian Millhiser follows a long and persuasive argument for lighting the Supreme Court of the United States on fire with the disclaimer “of course I do not believe that we should literally light the Supreme Court of the United States on fire.” Kelsey McKinney and Laura Wagner do seem to believe we should literally light the Supreme Court of the United States on fire. After much internal consultation, the Today in Tabs Editorial Board calls that “a good start.” Alex Pareene: “The legitimacy crisis is that our institutions are illegitimate.” And Neal Katyal sat down for a perfunctory Chotining, secure in the knowledge that there will never be a price to pay for anything he does.

Right, and I know you are a fan of Coney Barrett. You said she was “brilliant” and a “lovely person” and so on.

Can we go off the record for a second?

I’d rather stay on the record.

[Goes off the record.]

Did you know: Olivia Rodrigo is also covering Avril Lavigne’s “Complicated” on her current tour? The Eve 6 Guy has some new advice, including what to do about a Twitter crush, who I assume is me. #Lifehack: Assume all crushes are you. Marin County wine-sipper roasted. Erik Hinton’s Dirt post about permadeath as a game mechanic in roguelikes was unexpectedly beautiful:

Roguelikes work in the strange medium of love, in which something happens by chance and, for no reason, you decide that it’s your reason for going on, that you would risk everything for this coin flip of fate…

Today’s Song: “Complicated” by Avril Lavigne, I mean what else could it be?

~ uh huh, uh huh, tabs like this ~

I appreciate the concern of potentially dozens of you who wrote to make sure I was ok yesterday, and regret that all but one of your emails mysteriously failed to reach me. Anyway I’m fine, I just took yesterday off to focus on tweeting. I don’t know what to tell you about this week except that if you have multiple slurp juices, all you need is a single ape. If you subscribe, I’ll send you something else tomorrow. If you don’t, what else can we do but try again Monday?

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