Never Forward

The new big stuck lad puts its junk in the gunk, and the Hipster Grifter is back.

March 15th, 2022

I was supposed to be off today, but my plans changed so what are the tabs? Well as luck would have it, the Big Stuck Boat company came through again:

The ironically named Ever Forward, a 334-metre (over 1,095 feet) container ship, is stuck in the Chesapeake Bay, a year to the month its cousin, the Ever Given, blocked the Suez Canal in Egypt.

Apparently our new motionless lad the M/V No Problemo missed a turn Sunday night and jammed its 42 feet of junk into 24 foot deep Chesapeake gunk. If you’re not familiar with the Chesapeake Bay, it’s 4,500 square miles of mud flats crisscrossed by narrow dredged channels and just barely covered with seawater, where even much smaller ships than the Never Forward can suddenly find land where no land should be. It also has no tide to speak of, so no help there. Unfortunately this stuck boat is outside the shipping channel and poses no threat to the global supply chain. But it did make me wonder, where is our old friend the Ever Sittin’?

“Lmbo” is a nautical abbreviation meaning “looks manageable; boat optimal” so believe me when I say: lmbo. In other stuck-boat news, the also ironically named Norwegian Cruise Lines “Norwegian Escape” ran aground off the Dominican Republic yesterday, but was freed after midnight according to Bloomberg. Ship owners I am begging you, name your ships, like, “We’re Doing Our Best” or “Hope It’ll Work Out” instead.

If you’re quitting Insider, emailing your goodbye to the whole 700 person editorial list is no longer an impact point. They must have added Max Tani to it. PJ Vogt has a new solo podcast “limited series,” called Crypto Island. Sticking to safe topics this time I guess, probably wise, and it lands just as the NFT market appears to be collapsing. New The Smiths Dot News hire dropped: it’s Reuters executive editor Gina Chua: “…her perspectives as a Singaporean educated in the Philippines and the U.S., and as an Asian trans woman, are vital to the global news organization we’re trying to build,” Ben Smith told the Times’s Katie Robertson. Just as long as she’s college educated. The Hipster Grifter is back, married, looking great, and ready to cash in on our grifter moment reports Mara Siegler in Page Six:

According to our source, there is solid buzz that Ferrell has managed to score herself a book deal and is in talks for a TV show.

By the standards of the dirty double deuce Kari Ferrell’s crimes, as definitively chronicled by Doree Shafrir in 2009, seem almost quaint. On her Instagram, Ferrell claimed that Page Six’s “Details aren’t 100% accurate but… thanks for using photos where I look hot.”

преступная пицца сегодня: I genuinely resent that the world has a villain of franchise pizza restaurants, but if any chain eatery was going to pretend to stop doing business in Russia without actually stopping, you know it had to be Papa John’s.

Hard-R University Senior Lecturer in Dramaturgical Pontification David Mamet released a new one-act about a lost pilot in the unusual form of an amicus brief filed in favor of a Texas law that would prevent social media from moderating posts.

I report as an outdoorsman, that Panic is real. It is the loss of the mind and will to Pan, God of the Woods. The affected loses his reason, and runs about unable to recognize those actual signs (a road, his own footprints), which might bring him back to safety.

I have notes.

Today’s Song: Tuscadero, “Nancy Drew”

~ The tab is a moral problem that challenges the whole ego-personality, for no one can become conscious of the tab without considerable moral effort. ~

Tabs is actually off tomorrow. @fka_tabs. @TodayinTabs. Your subscriptions keep the S.S. Tabs afloat. Toot toot see you Thursday.

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