Panic! At The Shoppy Shop

"Snorting the occasional vial of stem cells."

January 25th, 2023

How much would you pay to have the “rectum of an 18-year-old?” No not like that, Father, I mean to de-age your own presumably 18+ rectum until it has a measurable rectal age1 of eighteen years. What if that included all your other organs? Your “brain, heart, lungs, liver, kidneys, tendons, teeth, skin, hair, bladder, penis,” and presumably sense of shame? Bloomberg Businessweek’s Ashlee Vance reports that forty-five year old fintech bro Bryan Johnson is spending upwards of two million dollars a year in an attempt to biologically de-age himself back to eighteen. So far he looks like an extremely low body-fat percentage Photoshop, but good luck to him and may he enjoy many years of precisely 1977 calorie vegan slurry. Tabs Editor Emeritus Reyhan Harmanci has additional unsettling pictures in her newsletter today.

Also Today in Bloomberg: Max Chafkin and Dana Hull have a good feature on how badly Tesla is doing while Elon spends his time LARPing as Catturd’s social media assistant:

By early this month, it was undeniable that Tesla was struggling with demand for the first time. The company said it had ended the fourth quarter having made 34,000 more cars than it sold, and deeper price cuts followed. In the US, it lowered the cost of the cheapest Model Y by 20% to $53,000 and knocked $21,000 off its priciest vehicles. The idea is to sacrifice profit margins for volume. Tesla’s next earnings report is set for Jan. 25. Its stock has fallen 62% since Musk’s April 4 Twitter disclosure…

Most car companies roll out redesigns every five years or so; the Model S was unveiled almost 14 years ago, the Model 3 seven years ago. “If they don’t evolve their product line, they will fall behind,” Palmer says.

What does Tesla even have in the pipeline? The CYBRTRUK? Lol. Meanwhile Dave Karpf is on Twitter Tumbleweed watch.

When you’re low on provisions and desperate for tinned fish or artisanal cardamom, what do you do? Head to the Shoppy Shop of course. In Grub Street Emily Sundberg dropped an absolute banger of a tab on the Shoppy Shop phenomenon, the new retail Insta brands, and “smallwashing.” Why are there identical Shoppy Shops everywhere now? Turns out there’s a wholesale Shoppy Shop supply platform, of course. Ft. Kyle Chayka coming in hot: “My current thought is that they don’t feel local to a place, but instead they feel local to the internet, which is, after all, where we all live.” Thanks, I hate it.

ChatGPT2 reportedly passed a Wharton MBA exam, but then again so (reportedly) did Donald Trump. Kathryn Tewson was less impressed with DoNotPay’s “robot lawyer” service, which failed to generate a defamation demand letter or a divorce settlement agreement, while its attempt at a small claims court demand letter was underwhelming. Meanwhile robot lawyer huckster Joshua Browder has decided not to go to jail for his legal experiment, which is on hold.

BREAKING NEWS:

Toot by Talyaa@mstdn.social: “If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say, “help I’ve been turned into a parrot” you’re wasting everyone’s time.”

Today’s Song: De La Soul finally managed to get “The Magic Number” onto streaming! More is coming March 3rd.

CORRECTION: Yesterday Today in Tabs misgendered Toadzilla, who is “believed to be a female,” but also still dead. We regret the error. Today in Tabs subscriptions are non-binary (afab). When can you quit? Click here to learn more.

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