"Here Is Precisely the Clown Show You Ordered"

Plus: Sony and Honda enter their faecal era.

January 5th, 2023

Kevin McCarthy woke up this morning feeling lucky, had a good workout, and with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips headed in to the United States Capitol building where he immediately lost his seventh and eighth votes for Speaker. It’s kind of charming to know that there’s at least one thing that every American except for 201 Republican Congresspeople-elect can agree on, which is that Kevin McCarthy sucks. It’s a fact that brings together Tucker Carlson and the Biden administration. Even Donald Trump, with his unerring nose for a loser, can barely pretend not to smell this one.

Let’s go to the dunks:

The Republican Party isn’t really a governing party anymore. It’s an incubator for right-wing celebrities. Republicans didn’t even bother writing a new convention platform in 2020, relying on its reality television host’s demented charisma. And when that didn’t work, and Joe Biden decisively beat Trump, the majority of House Republicans tried overturning the election.

Honestly, we are a little confused you are taking this so poorly. This is like electing a bunch of clowns to office and being disappointed when they put on a magnificent clown show for you. Here is precisely the clown show you ordered! You shouldn’t be ashamed. You should be applauding. It is like ordering a decorative salad made entirely from Legos and being mad that you can’t eat it.

xXx_AFEELA_xXx

Sony and Honda introduced an electric car brand called AFEELA, which is an Amazon-house-brand-ass name for a car that looks like a HEPA air filter fucked a shoe. The concept video feels like the trailer for a Black Mirror episode about a futuristic car you have to fuel with your own blood, the steering wheel is square, the back seats have screens placed exactly where your passengers faces will be when you crash it, and “AFEELA car” is an anagram for “Faecal Era.” Sony Honda Mobility CEO Yasuhide Mizuno, told KBB what the name means:

“Afeela represents our concept of an interactive relationship where people feel the sensation of interactive mobility and where mobility can detect and understand people and society by utilizing sensing and AI technologies.”

Man… what? Is this the AI 8K+5G ecosystem? Meanwhile Tesla is claiming the CYBRTRUK can “pull near-infinite mass.” We need a complete and total shutdown of new cars until we can figure out what’s going on.

New None Pizza Dropped:

Tabs friend Sam E. Circle revived the spirit of the long lamented Tilly Minute with Last Week’s New Yorker. In El Reg Rupert Goodwins wondered if Gmail can stay free forever. Pop-Up pops down. Leaving.live is a website that just tells you when other people leave the website. Bed Bath & Bankruptcy. Caltech is testing space-based solar power.

Miles Klee watched “Waffle House Wendy” Halie Booth’s entire 21:51 YouTube explainer about the Austin, TX Waffle House brawl that went viral on Christmas day but apparently happened “around September 2021.” The story is: ”there was a fight at Waffle House.” I also wish there were more to it, but there isn’t really.

And literally everyone took a shot at the “romance author who faked her own death” story, as expected. Here’s Will Sommer in The Daily Beast. “Let the fun begin!”

Today’s Song: Maryam Saleh, “Nouh Al Hamam”

Today in Tabs stays undefeated in emails. The subscriber Discord stays undefeated in generating delight and fellowship. JCO stays undefeated in bad takes.

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