The Four Black Eggs Of The Apocalypse

1. In those days in the land of JAPAN did scientists meddle with forces and principalities outside of their understanding, as scientists are wont, and pull from “the maximum depth of the abyssopelagic zone” FOUR BLACK EGGS the provenance and instrumentality of which they knew not. This from the word and testimony of DARREN ORF, servant and scribe to Popular Mechanics.

^2. And a scientist took up one egg and spake, asking the first question: “What happens if I do this?” and thus was opened THE FIRST EGG and the contents therefrom released upon the WORLD. Contained within the FIRST EGG were the APPLE PDF GOGGLES PRO, and lo did they turn a fourth part of the world to CRINGE and a fourth part of the seas to LIQUID SHAME.

^3. Thus did the dread NEISTAT of ALGORITHM go upon the streets and subways of the city and jiggle the invisible giant’s balls, and the giant was CAPITALISM and the balls whereof he jiggled were the TESTICLES of his own SERVITUDE.

^4. Then from dank basements and airy loft dwellings alike did issue the LAMENTATIONS of the BROS, crying unto their LORD TIM APPLE, “Be there no 3D PORN upon which we may wank? Nay, not even with this POLISHING CLOTH which be like unto a fine silk blouse?” But the thunderous voice of TIM APPLE spake and His words smote them even where they hid in their goon caves, and He said unto them: “IT IS NOT CALLED THE FAPPLEVISION PRO MY DUDE.”

^5. Then did the BROS further discover that it is made of plastic and scratches if you merely gaze upon it with a stern visage, even like unto the TESLA CYBERTRUCK which rusts at once if removed from its fine swaddling robes. And as they tickled the giant’s taint they cried aloud, saying: “Are these PDF GOGGLES but a CYBERTRUCK for my FACE?” But the LORD TIM APPLE was silent, for all recognized the truth.

^6. And the first scientist spake again, saying: “oops.” 

^7. But neither had the second scientist wisdom nor perspicacity and she took up the SECOND EGG, asking then the second question: “What’s the worst that could happen?” And she opened the SECOND EGG, and MAGIC CLIPPY was unleashed, who the DIMWITS and BOOBS of the executive world did bow and worship as the false god GENERATIVE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE, and did imbue with all of the virtues of HUMAN WORKERS but none of their faults, though its cost be like unto legions upon legions of human workers (which it is) while its product be MID AT BEST and eftsoons proveth to be FALSENESS and HOODWINKERY.

^8. And from the SECOND EGG did issue forth JOSH MILLER, eternal Product Guy, creator of BRANCH and POTLUCK and servant of the Dark Lord FACEBOOK, the Beast spoken of in the prophesies which consumes the hopes of nerds and excretes PRODUCTS which feedeth them INTRIGUING SOCIAL INTERACTION IDEAS but starveth them of the nourishing foodstuff of actual social interaction.

^9. In his hands did JOSH MILLER wield the direful scepter of ARC SEARCH which consumed the AI SLUDGE already befouling the web and regurgitated it back to fill a fourth part of the seas with PINK SLIME and cover a fourth part of the land with GREY GOO. Upon witnessing the power of ARC SEARCH, the wise and just CASEY NEWTON of Platformer cried out: “Opening the Arc Search app for the first time last week… I experienced a rare emotion: a kind of revulsion at the app’s mere existence, and at what it portends.”

^10.“Lol, lmao,” did say the second scientist, who yet learneth nothing.

^11. Then did the third scientist take up the THIRD EGG and as one compelled by dark forces release it to the earth while asking the third question: “I wonder what this one does?” And from the THIRD EGG did flow the CONSEQUENCES to which the prophet NEWTON alluded. Whereupon a fourth part of the MEDIA became as bones upon the dead earth, and a fourth part of the NEWS INDUSTRY withered to dust.

^12. And the CONSEQUENCES were an irresistible flood of cash from the AI MOLOCH MICROSOFT which drowned the better judgement of the great ruler BENSMITH in the land of Semafor, who hath pivoted to video a time or two in his day, forsooth. MOLOCH did pay unto Semafor an amount of money the scribe Anna Nicolaou of FT proclaimed to be “‘substantial’ to Semafor’s business,” in exchange for pretending to use its AI chatbot. And lo, was it easily foreseen by even the most blind among those there assembled that the hole in Semafor’s business would prove even more ”substantial” when MOLOCH found no further need of its validation.

^13. And then did the dry bones of MEDIA rise up and assemble themselves into a monster with two heads, and one was called LYNCH and the other wore SUNGLASSES and they were known as the DEMON CONDÉ and with a voice like the buzzing of flies did one mouth proclaim “For the last three years, the company has been break-even to EBITDA positive” even while the other mouth swallowed journalists hurled from a Pitchfork.

^14. At last did the fourth scientist take up the FOURTH EGG and open palm slam it onto his workbench, hollering the fourth and final question: “What have we got to lose at this point?” And from the shards of the FOURTH EGG issued HATE READS which dried up the verdant springs of the CURIOSITY GAP and brought the people of that place to their death of thirst. And so a fourth part of the AUDIENCE was turned to HATERS and a fourth part of the group chat shares were preceded by “UGH.”

^15. Thereupon did the EYES of all who beheld Rachel Tashjian’s Washington Post profile of the exhaustingly twee Sandeep and Carson Salter roll in their heads until they issued forth upon the ground like so many ball bearings, whence did the people of that place slip and fall upon them in a slapstick manner, as did the cartoon characters of their forefathers.

^16. And likewise thereupon did the HEARTS of all who consumed David Yaffe-Bellany’s New York Times profile of crypto scammer Ben Armstrong harden to the loss of his ill-gotten Lamborghini.

^17. And finally thereupon did the FISTS of all who should have known better clench when they saw Jonathan Chait profile Bari Weiss’s specious and hateful so-called “online newspaper” The Free Press, wherein he concedes numerous falsehoods to support the putative need for such a dishonest, transphobic, journalistically barren enterprise in order to ultimately predict the recent past: that Weiss will “recognize that she has become a conservative.” 

^18. At last the four scientists looked around and beheld the ruin of all about them, and as one they spake, saying: “Well, that was weird.” And then they went for shawarma for it was the time of lunch and science be hungry work.

^19. And in their absence, though there was no one to hear, played THE SONG OF THE DAY, which was DJ ZINC’s “138 Trek (Polo Lilli 145 Edit).” So it is written, amen.