Scabby Stabbed at the Staab Sob N' Slab

Brought to you by our corporate partners at Lockheed Martin.

August 1st, 2022

The first thing you should know about the Dog Lawyer is that he is not a dog. The New York Times titled Hope Corrigan’s profile of Richard Rosenthal “The Dog Lawyer Doesn’t Care That You Hate Him” and while “doesn’t care that you hate him” may be high on the list of things you should know about the Dog Lawyer, I would like to argue that it’s not the first thing you should know about the Dog Lawyer.

…a press release praising itself for the many ways it was tackling problematic content. But immediately after, the company approved ads run in both English and Swahili crafted specifically to instigate ethnic violence in Kenya, human rights groups said.

As Mark Zuckerberg famously said: “break things, and move fast.” But what moved fast and broke me this weekend was…

Why is “Lockheed Martin” trending? I’d like to offer four possible answers to this innocuous-seeming question:

  1. Garbage Day is on vacation so no one knows! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ You may now skip down to the next embedded tweet and go on with your life, both wiser and happier than you would have been if you had kept reading.

  2. Into’s Henry Giardina offers “A Definitive Guide to the Tenderqueer Lockheed Martin Drama,” which basically covers it.

  3. The most neutral summary I can personally offer is that a writer named Ana Mardoll, who has been active in the online discourses around “Boyfriend Dungeon” (allegedly), the Lauren Hough/Sandra Newman/Lambda Literary thing (ALLEGEDLY), and some others so allegedly that I am not able to find any reputable source who alleges them on the record, revealed this weekend that they have for many years worked part time for Lockheed Martin, the third largest defense contractor by market cap and a company that makes, among other things, attack helicopters. The reasons Mardoll offered for the long-time side gig at the bomb store include a flexible work-from-home environment, a family connection, and access to health insurance. Apparently their job involves procuring text editors, leaving open the possibility that they have been working against the military-industrial complex from the inside for years by making everyone at Lockheed use emacs.

  4. The Daily Mail also covered this, purporting to take Mardoll’s side but immediately misgendering them in the headline. A careful reader will discover that of course, the Mail is actually taking Lockheed’s side, and an even more careful reader will not read The Daily Mail.

[CAMERA TURN] So what have we learned? If you weren’t already familiar with “the Boyfriend Dungeon thing,” “Lauren Hough / Lambda Literary,” or “actually it’s ableist to say writers should read,” then all of this is a bunch of Jesse What The Fuck Are You Talking About to you. If you were familiar with those things, you’ve probably already gotten your buzzer beater Lockheed dunks in. I personally suspect that this discourse spread so fast because the way online pile-ons are generally covered highlights the target but rarely names anyone involved the piling-on, so a number of separate communities and fandoms just discovered they share an antagonist (aLlEgEdLy), but I could be wrong about that. Maybe everyone just loves a mess. Anyway, don’t you wish you’d stopped at answer one?

Like a Hudson Valley homeowner slumming it in a Fort Greene apartment, New Yorker staff writer Jia Tolentino showed up in Hell Gate writing about the housing crisis. And while she is admittedly herself a tiny part of the housing crisis, she’s also a fantastic writer so it’s hard not to enjoy the piece. It’s basically “Looking to Settle” minus the existential desperation, and (not coincidentally) plus a house upstate.

…I look at Zillow, at, say, an owner’s triplex with triangles of sunlight on the floor next to an original wooden staircase, and I imagine what it would feel like to have a $3.2 million house budget. Really good, I bet—as good as plenty of other people might imagine it is to simply go home every day to a beautiful two-bedroom in Fort Greene. 

Twitter product apologizes for the recent flood of Crazy Ass No Context Brits Who Go Hard Posting Their Ls. Crypto-bros learn you never actually own a Patek Philippe, you merely look after it until your Ponzi scheme collapses. Grace Panetta and Brent D. Griffiths report that Republicans are working toward a new Constitutional Convention so they can term limit all federal workers and strip Congress of the power to impose an income tax. Democrats are worried they might lose votes to Andrew Yang’s vapid new third party, which is odd because Andrew Yang couldn’t take votes from Democrats when he was one. [Jim Morrison voice] warm pits on the moon. “It’s Just Ants.” Failed politician slinks back to media sinecure. It’s Hot Line Cook Summer so let’s hit the Fancy Feast cat food inspired Italian pop-up experience and see if anyone looks good.

Today’s Song: food house, Gupi, Fraxiom, “mos thoser”

~ The thousand injuries of Fortunato I had borne as I best could, but when he ventured upon tabs I vowed revenge. ~

I’m still mad about the Dog Lawyer. Please don’t blame me for the discourse, I’m just a little guy. You couldn’t be mad at a little guy who’s just trying to share the discourse could you? On his birthday? A little birthday boy sharing the discourse? If you are mad at a little birthday boy (wearing glasses!) I’m on Twitter @mattyglesias.

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