Happy New Year! Time is Fake.

TIME: scientists say it’s not real, and the fact that Henry Kissinger has outlived Dark Sky would seem to confirm their view. Nevertheless 2022 is over, I guess. Did we have fun? No. But did we learn something? Probably not. I would say “time will tell” but time is fake, and it tells only lies.

Barry Petchesky once again reviewed what we put in our butts and what accidents befell our penises last year for Defector. This year, let’s stop lying about how we got that “BIG TOY STUCK IN RECTUM.” I promise the E.R. doctor already knows and doesn’t care, they just have to put something in the “what happened” box on the computer. The same goes for the dentist, by the way—in 2023 we’re not lying to the dentist anymore. Alphaville rounded up who got canceled last year, and “Read” Max Read collected the year in stupid futures, which is as good a 2022 Tabs recap as anyone will get, since I’m certainly not gonna write one.1 If you think you remember the year in Discourse, take the quiz.

Looking ahead: in 2023 let’s try to shower more often than we cry.

What else are we doing in 2023?

Famously corrupt soccer organization FIFA is investigating how Salt Bae got on the field after the World Cup final. Adults are getting in shape by walking Teabag style. Global auditing firm Mazars is backing slowly away from Binance before it blows up, like “The Hurt Locker’s” Jeremy Renner, who is himself in the IRL hurt locker recovering from a “weather related accident while plowing snow” on New Years Day. Get better soon buddy! Everyone on the Jeremy Renner app misses you. Jair Bolsonaro appears to have moved to the international failed fascist dictator reservation, Florida. Anthony Fauci is headed into retirement, getting ready to write a memoir and be harassed by world’s richest non-Frenchman Elon Musk, who himself plans to continue flushing world-historical wealth down the toilet in an increasingly desperate and futile effort to earn the respect of @catturd2. Twitter will continue going great (now at half price!) and George Santos will continue to pursue his passion for lying.

But if you want to try to be normal in 2023, WSJ’s Lindsay Ellis and Ray A. Smith report that we’re working less this year and there’s nothing the bosses can do about it, and Liz Lopatto has some good suggestions for what to do with your extra time.

The new year Federally begins tomorrow, so if you’re watching the last few grains trickle out of your holiday hourglass before you fall down the long, dark, cold, vacationless chute between now and summer, you could do worse than spend that time with Michelle Jaworski’s review of the thirty-four other pieces of knitwear in the original “Knives Out.” 

Today’s Song: The Thermals, “Here’s Your Future”

~ They called to Lot, “Where are the tabs who came to you tonight?” ~

It’s the first Tabs of the third year of the great re-Tabbening, and I can’t tell you how much it means to go into it with a stable base of subscribers. So if you’re a subscriber, thank you! If you’re not yet, this is the year to try it out. I’ve got plans. The double-deuce is behind us, here comes the triple deuce, lfg.