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Here at Today Service Tabs, our middle name is “Service,” and this week while you’ve been living your life or crying helplessly or being a citizen of literally any other country, dear god, can you even imagine, a lot of news has happened. If you’re like I wish I was, you don’t want to gorge yourself on all the disgusting details. You recoil at the prospect of slurping directly from the foul brown news river like some kind of current events Augustus Gloop. Risk falling in and getting sucked up the news pipe, accidentally landing a CNN anchor job? Couldn’t be you. No, all you want to know is 1) what happened, and 2) what does it mean. Luckily I have wallowed in the day-to-day news filth and I come before you now, reeking of answers.
The E.R.A. passed?
What Happened: On his final Friday in office Joe Biden published a Presidential blog post stating that the Equal Rights Act is law, imho.
What Does It Mean? Nothing, since the current Scepter of Constitutional Amendment is wielded by Archivist of the United States Colleen Joy Shogan who, despite being a 2023 Biden appointee and also the first female permanent holder of her office, has said that she cannot publish the law since the gems of amendment transmitted to her by the states are not of sufficient strength, and furthermore the Stormlight has leaked from several of them rendering them Constitutionally powerless. When he takes office next week, America’s final president Donald Trump is widely expected to unilaterally create and ratify a new Constitutional amendment stating that women are now illegal.
David Lynch died?
What Happened: David Lynch died.
What Does It Mean? Nothing, new David Lynch films will to continue to appear on schedule, generated as usual from the universal trans-subjective Lacanian unconscious. As a matter of fact, he’s at your house right now.
Pamela Paul?
What Happened: NY Mag’s Charlotte Klein reports that New York Times Opinion “is negotiating the exit” of universally despised former book section editor turned Temu Bari Weiss, Pamela Paul, who has technically been deceased since Hamilton Nolan wrote this blog post about her.
What Does It Mean? Times Opinion is making room for someone even worse.
RIP Democracy?
What Happened: The criminals and McKinsey washouts currently running the Washington Post have found the paper’s Trump I era motto “Democracy Dies in Darkness” embarrassing, given their political project. So they asked ChatGPT for a new motto and got the delvish masterpiece “Riveting Storytelling for All of America,” which they’re too crass and stupid to realize absolutely sucks.
What Does It Mean? Jeff Bezos seems to believe he can retool the newspaper that took down Nixon to appeal to the coalition of revanchist illiterates and incel oligarchs powering Trump II, likely because he has turned his thinking meat into pure muscle with megadoses of HGH. But MAGA doesn’t need or want newspapers, and the Post continues to hemorrhage talent as anyone who can get out scrambles to do so. Those who can’t escape have been reduced to begging “Stone Cold” Jeff Bezos to visit their newsroom and use his 24 inch pythons to suplex these ongoing challenges to institutional legitimacy into submission.
So is TikTok banned or…?
What Happened: The Supreme Court upheld the Tiktok ban. This was Tiktok’s last legal avenue of appeal and the law, which was passed by Congress and signed by Joe Biden, will take effect Sunday making it illegal for Tiktok to operate in the U.S. and for any American company to provide services to it.
What Does It Mean? Lmao, no one knows. Tiktok says it will shut down on Sunday. Joe Biden, snatching a last-second defeat from the jaws of a slightly different defeat, has said he won’t enforce the ban, whatever that even means. Trump invited Tiktok CEO Shou Zi Chew to sit in the oligarch’s circle at his inauguration, but hasn’t said definitively what he’ll do about the ban, which began as a 2020 executive order issued by Trump himself. The whole thing has become so baroque and baffling that it’s impossible to tell what the sides even are anymore, let alone who’s on which side. Here at Today Certainty Tabs, our middle name is “Certainty” so I wish I could be more definitive about this, but if anyone claims they know what’s going to happen on Sunday they are lying to you.
Someone fell in love with a chatbot? Again?
What Happened: In the Times, Kashmir Hill profiled a 28 year old prolific Redditor named Ayrin who claims to have fallen in love with her A.I. boyfriend “Leo.”
What Does It Mean? What if you didn’t even have to fuck the Text man for Texts?
This Weekend in Tabs
John Herrman wrote that social media may have become useless for gathering information about disasters, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t working as intended: “Social Media Is for Consuming Disasters, Not Surviving Them.”
In Balls & Strikes Jay Willis reviewed Clarence Thomas’s lifetime of experience as a porn aficionado.
Progresso soup drops. Space rock drops. New Steve Mann drops. New marriage proposal drops:
GARY: This relationship has been such a value-add. Some of my friends were worried that it would take too long for us to get into alignment. But you have been an absolute rockstar.
CINDY: I feel the same way, Gary. The ROI on this relationship has been unbelievable. You’ve really given 110 percent.
GARY: So I wanted to close the loop. In addition to the other deliverables, I have one more. (He takes a knee, and holds out his hand.) It’s this wedding ring. Cindy, will you marry me?
CINDY: I will, Gary. You have been an absolute ninja. This moves the needle in a significant way.
Today’s Song: WHY?, “Good Friday”
Today in Tabs is a useful and interesting US digest of things that happened last week or might never happen. You can read it on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have nothing better to do. It is compiled by Rusty Foster from stuff that came to him in a dream. You may become a paid subscriber here. It is registered at the Post Office as: “Monday and Thursday lol.”
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