Medium has already pivoted so many times that billionaire CEO Ev Williams has to screw his pants on every morning, but it’s time to pivot again. Less than a month after defeating a union drive by a single vote, the Twitter co-founder and Chief Rotational Officer of the internet’s premiere source for pregnant Goku content announced that once again Medium will be welcoming its entire editorial staff to “get off this crazy ride,” which is billionaire for “fuck off.” For comment, I reached out to Ev Williams from 14 months in the future, and he says he is excited to announce several new publications and a lot of new editorial jobs. Medium, which has never been profitable, has raised $132 million from investors in its nine years. At that rate Williams could only afford to fund the company’s operations from his personal fortune for a scant 200 more years.

What’s not pivoting is the MV Ever Given, a 400 meter long container ship that yesterday hauled anchor for the Suez Canal, drew a dick in the Red Sea, and then promptly wedged itself across the main artery for 12% of the world’s trade, like a painfully literal metaphor for 2021. A Maersk ship stuck behind it happened to be carrying Instagrammer @fallenhearts17, who provided media Twitter with a new classic reaction image. E.g.:

Medium Pivots Away From Editorial

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Meredith Haggerty managed to write the rare personal-finance feature that also carries emotional weight, in “The Impact of Inheritance.”

The Cinnamon Toast Shrimp debacle continued to ramify yesterday. General Mills suggested that Jensen Karp should attempt to have the shrimp tails arrested. At least two chefs made actual Cinnamon Toast Shrimp. The Times was on it. Big Crunch denied everything. By evening, a fully accurate and truthful (but somehow still not complete) statement of the situation was:

GNU/creep Richard Stallman has returned to the Free Software Foundation board, less than two years after resigning in disgrace when his many years of sexually harassing behavior became uncomfortably public. In response, more than 1500 people have signed an open letter calling for the removal of the entire FSF board.

Realtor’s “NOT HAUNTED” sign is raising a lot of questions that are already answered by the “NOT HAUNTED” sign. The faint howling noise you heard wasn’t ghosts, but a pack of ravenous financial reporters desperate to get their hands on Robinhood’s S-1. Prince Harry added an Aspen Institute commission seat to his fake startup job, finally qualifying him for a New York Times editorial column. Rachel Tashjian’s GQ love letter to human photoshop filter Sam McKinniss provides a rare full body cringe experience. Slack unveiled “Connect DMs,” an innovative new cross-company abuse channel that you can’t block. And we almost, but not quite, got through an entire Tabs without mentioning NFTs.

Today’s Song: Yeah what the hell let’s just do this.

~ I left my body lying somewhere in the tabs of time ~

Thanks to the great Hunter S. Thompson, who originally wrote that “screws his pants on” line about Richard Nixon. I occasionally workshop Tabs material on Twitter @fka_tabs. Want to sponsor an intern? Just hit reply. Join me here tomorrow for: Thursday.