The Tryfus Affair

Who is this reclusive wizard, this "Elon Musk?"

October 4th, 2022

Engineering genius and business wizard Elon Musk, the little known magnate rumored to be a real-life Tony Stark, has made a stunning and completely unexpected proposal to buy Twitter for $54.20 a share. This represents a hefty premium over the $42.91 per share it was trading at when Bloomberg broke the news. The social media company’s stock has been somewhat battered since the spring, although no one knows why. Matt Levine, one of the few to regularly chronicle the doings of the mysterious rocket scientist, has already published Money Stuff today and planned to be off tomorrow, but I imagine he’ll be too excited about this unexpected news to take the day off. Musk, a Wonka-like reclusive billionaire about whom very little is known, reportedly spends long days alone in his lab inventing things like electric cars and sunlight. His interest in Twitter, the immiserating group microblog that users openly despise and non-users assume to be immediately fatal, is not yet clear but we can only guess he has thoughtful and carefully drawn plans to make it fun, educational, safe, uplifting, and wildly profitable.

In other social media news Facebook, an obscure Minions themed website for the elderly, has failed at email newsletters. Facebook previously failed at hardware, apps, cryptocurrency, and morality.

Today in Bones:

Whose classic scoldy Halloween tweet was better? Joyce Carol “The GOAT” Oates:

…or Francis “A Hashtag WarCrimes” Fukuyama?

Vote Now: in the sanctified and unconquered wilderness of your heart.

Max Read is at the e-waste recycling nonprofit. Max Read is at the occult-mysteries nonprofit. Max Read is at the combination e-waste recycling and occult-mysteries nonprofit.

It seems like the organization, which Moriyama says has 14 members, gets old laptops, installs Linux on them, gives them to students, and then teaches them some combination of IT and occult skills.

And remember the Try Guys scandal, which somehow happened both last week and last month? Just as we’ve managed to forget about it, the Tryfus Affair is once more front and center as the three remaining Guys (Cry Guy, Sigh Guy, and Eugene) have rushed out an apology video just in time to crank up the attention machine again.

Whether you’re furious, devastated, or bored at excommunicated Wife Guy Ned’s incredibly pedestrian infidelity scandal, one of the remaining Guys is here for you to parasocially identify with.

It’s October so spray on your evening gown and:

New Jersey resident and television-poisoned dingbat Dr. Mehmet Oz, ineptly running for Senate in his home state’s neighbor Pennsylvania for some reason, is not only a terrible candidate but also a literal puppy killer, reports Kylie Cheung in Jezebel.

According to [“whistleblower and veterinarian” Catherine] Dell’Orto, one Oz-led study resulted in a litter of puppies being killed by intracardiac injection with syringes of expired drugs inserted in their hearts without any sedation. Upon being killed, the puppies were allegedly left in a garbage bag with living puppies who were their littermates.

Yikes, that’s pretty bad. That has to have been the worst political news for any Republican Senate candidate yesterday right? WRONG you rube, you absolute buffoon, because Georgia’s Republican Senate candidate is the shambling and manifestly brain-injured husk of former football pro Herschel Walker, who, it turns out, was also a pretty bad person back when he could say one complete sentence in a row. Walker is running as a hard-core pro-lifer now, but yesterday The Daily Beast’s Roger Sollenberger reported that:

A woman who asked not to be identified out of privacy concerns told The Daily Beast that after she and Walker conceived a child while they were dating in 2009 he urged her to get an abortion. The woman said she had the procedure and that Walker reimbursed her for it.

The woman provided receipts, in the form of the literal receipt for the abortion, a signed personal check from Walker, and a get well soon card also signed by Walker. Sensing a rare mass brand-building opportunity, Walker’s aspiring Gen Z conservative influencer son Christian denounced his father, tweeting “You’re not a ‘family man’ when you left us to bang a bunch of women, threatened to kill us, and had us move over 6 times in 6 months running from your violence,” among other similarly negative character assessments.

Meanwhile 2024’s leading non-Trump Republican Presidential hopeful Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, an anagram for “Sardine Snot” which also describes his personality, spent yesterday doing whatever this is:

Record-smashing pumpkin. Why is the dragon incest show filmed in glorious black? Let’s spin the wheel of words: “Jay-Z’s VC Firm Leads Investment in Robot Pizza Truck Startup.” Ok, sure, why not. Roger Waters still a kook. Today in Crabs: The Lobstermen’s Union “Lobster 207” is thriving. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) says wash your butt, reports Muna Mire. From the Tabs Discord: Cam Daigle on the three types of meetings.

Today’s Song: Alvvays, “Easy On Your Own?”

~Look at this tab, treasures untold, how many wonders can one email hold?~

We Regret The Error:

  • Sorry about yesterday’s broken link to Zuck’s “philathropy.” It should have gone to this New York Times story. Remember when they started a for-profit LLC and everyone acted like it was a charity? Wild times.

  • And while I’m at it, last Thursday I referred to Terese Marie Mailhot as “Canadian” when she is in fact a First Nations person from Seabird Island Band. It’s very unusual for calling someone Canadian to be rude, but I managed it, and I’m sorry. The post has been corrected as well.

That’s it, my work is in all other ways flawelss. There are FOUR medium white “You Can Always Quit” t-shirts left, so if you’re medium sized, don’t sleep.

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